Welcome to my Blog!

Welcome to my blog! Of course if we were visiting in person, I'd have the teapot out and we could sit and chat.
I'm honored you stopped by to listen to my thoughts and ponderings - and if you have a minute sometime, let me know you dropped by!

You can also find me on Facebook at Grace Notes, Thoughts and Prayers.

I'd love to hear from you.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

It's raining.

It is raining.

Water pouring down from the sky, relentlessly, 
Soaking the earth,

It is raining,
Tears mingling with rain
running down my face
At the most inopportune moments.
I'm grieving.

Oh yes,
she is in a better place.
she is free from pain.
We are glad
We are sad.

I feel like my little grandson
Whose mommy loves him so
And he loves his mommy with
wondered passion
And when she leaves the room
His eyes well up
and sometimes he even
and we can't comfort him.

She'll be back...
we tell him.  

I'll see her again...
I remind myself...
But that thought is lost
in the immediate need.

It is a primal need,
this attachment to our mothers.
The ones who birthed us
and loved us
and nourished us
and worried over us
And my gratitude wells up
with my tears.

It is raining.
I am grieving.
It is ok.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Conversations with Mom

  We have passed the three month mark.  Three months at Hospice, an epic journey for mom, for all of us.  The highs and lows have reminded us of that roller coaster ride... yes  there are discouragements, but also joy and love and even laughter.

  I was thinking this morning, as I couldn't sleep... of all the lovely conversations I've had with mom... just this week!!  And I realize that these are gifts I might have missed... and I am grateful.

  So with her permission, I'll share some of them with you...

  Mom sleeps a lot these days.  The other day, I was busy by her bed, texting my siblings and thought she was fast asleep.  All of a sudden she says with a start..."How are my beloved children today?"  I wondered how she even knew I was just communicating with them!  "Just fine, Mom"... I say, and then I think about that... am I really fine?  Part of me wants to answer NO!  I am tired, and I don't want to say good-bye... we all don't want to "lose" our mother... and yet... it is true.  We ARE fine... so very fine.  We have had this gift, the gift of a loving mom, who even in these days her first thought is of us, of her grandchildren, her great-grandchildren.  I've heard her whisper their names in her sleep... we are fine because we are loved, because we have each other.  And we are rich.

  The other day, she apologized to me... "I keep forgetting things."  Honestly, we are amazed how good her memory is with blood levels in the basement.  "You remember the important stuff, Mom", I reassured her.  She sank back into her pillow.  "I love you," she said.  "See?... you remember the important things!"

  She is always concerned about others... "Watch the clock", she told me the other day... "I try not to bother the nurses during shift changes"... my mom, the nurse, so aware of others.  I assured her that if she needed help during shift change we might ask for it anyway!  But she has taught us consideration of others... and displays such a grateful attitude to all staff who walk into her room.  (And the staff at Hospice ARE wonderful).

  "I don't want to see June!" she said frequently as the days of May closed in on us.  May passed by... we walked into June.  "I didn't want to see June", she said to me this week... "but then I would have missed the roses.  Thank you, God for the roses!"  Last month she read Ann Voskamps book "A Thousand Gifts".  It is all about gratitude.  I highly recommend the read.  The book encourages us to count the gifts, to live in gratitude.  Even in dying, Mom looks for the gifts, and is grateful.

  Mom has spunk, even now... "how should we plan this day?" , she said to me this morning.   She has no strength left for any projects.  The crocheting has been put away.  The books lie beside her unopened.  "I will sleep", she said... and then I might eat a little... Oh, I need to make some time for washing up!"  She smirks at me... the days plans are set... and I read to her from the Morning Prayers..."The night has passed, and the day lies open before us; let us pray with one heart and mind.... As we rejoice in this gift of this new day, so may the light of your presence, O God, set our hearts on fire with love for you."

  A new day, a new gift...another conversation.  And we are grateful.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Gifts for the Journey

   My hubby and I went for a walk the other night; the air warm and the evening still bright. I love this time of year - the sun going down late, the days long and full of possibilities.

  As we walked, along the path, the left side of the path was full of weeds.  Untended grass and bramble.  And in the middle of all that wild growth, stood a poppy, almost out of place. A flash of colour, bright, beautiful.

  I was thinking about a conversation I had with mom this week.  Coming up to three months of living at hospice this week gives one time for reflection!   We talked about the journey.  Because it seems when you think you have life all figured out, and have certain expectations about how things should be, you can feel  disappointment. Or struggle with adjustments.

  But when you see life as a journey, never really knowing what is round the bend, perhaps it is easier to accept and enjoy the here and now, the living for today.  And there is a whole lot more peace in that way of thinking.

  A little like finding the poppy. Not expected, but very much enjoyed.

  Our family has always liked to plan. We (mostly) are organizers, which can be very helpful at times.  But, I'm realizing that has its limitations. One of my favourite holidays with my hubby was a trip to the Maritimes where we didn't plan every stop. We drove and discovered and landed in some interesting places. This was disconcerting for me some days when I couldn't envision where we would sleep that night, but also wildly freeing.

  Every day was an adventure!  Right now our lives are in limbo.  It is hard to plan anything. But I'm learning to treat it like the journey it is... Each day a gift with surprises, new things to learn, points of beauty on the way.

  One day, one hour at a time...